shadowobsessed: (chobits)
I was doing some reflecting on my character while I was taking the bus to Santa Rosa. I've been reading the book Love On a Rotten Day, a humorous take on astrology. In terms of myself, I feel rather conflicted. I'm a Cancer with Pisces Rising and an Aries Moon. My Cancer side, the main Sun sign, means I want to take care of people and provide for/nurture them. I'm submissive and emotional. My Pisces bit makes me fanciful and a hopeless romantic. I daydream and start up a lot of new hobbies and interests but rarely continue them. My Aries Moon spark makes me a bit more aggressive and competitive when I'm in my best times. I like cute things, and I want to be heartwarming and helpful and free and open with everyone, but then my inner voice tells me that it's ashamed of me for being such a sap. It's kind of a troll. I feel pain for the world and want to save it but then I laugh at dumb people or horrible things that I've desensitized myself to. I'm a romantic but I'm afraid to be. I want the candles and the curtains and the moonlight and the conversation and the cuddling but I'm deathly afraid of exposing my inner emotions because if the other person laughs or balks at it, it feels like they're picking apart my very soul itself. I'm painfully submissive a lot of the time and can barely muster up the energy to speak when someone asks me to. Other times, I can't stop talking and I might make insensitive remarks without thinking of how it makes other people feel, or I go too far and feel ashamed of myself for being so annoying. Of course I'll always think of the consequences after it's already happened, and brood on it and how I want to change next time.

One of my most prevalent fantasies as a five-year-old child was that of dying to save the world. As I got older, I then mused about getting a stomach ulcer or some sort of ailment and being hospitalized and people coming to visit me. I wanted to inspire pity in others and make them feel bad for me. Sometimes I think I get myself into tough situations to do the same. Other times, I don't want people to feel bad for me. Those times I hate myself for wanting people to pity me. I also either stretch myself too thin or not thin enough. When I really like someone, when it's beyond the stage of 'do I actually like them or am I just desperate', I'll spend all of my resources (time, money, effort, giving up sleep) on doing things for them. I'll want to get them candy or cards or flowers or make them art or some sort of craft, or wake up at 3 on a school night and sneak out and walk to their house just to console them. In fact, I revel in expending myself. Sometimes, people tell me that I'm 'too nice'. They might feel bad because they think they're selfish in comparison to me. But in reality, I don't actually do a lot of nice things. Lately, I've been somewhat of a hedonistic pig. But I desire to do nice things. And for me, being nice is actually an act of selfishness. While some people may be made happy by doing 'bad' things, or simply looking out for themselves, I derive the same sort of pleasure from acts of kindness. It is just as selfish. Because while it may not be visible to them, because it is not short-term gratification, there may be long-term benefits for me to glean from such pursuits. Maybe walking to the store and getting food for someone or giving them some money, no strings attached, or writing a letter of recommendation for them seems like an altruistic thing to do. But doing these things makes me secretly hope that afterward these people will want to spend more time with me, and maybe become friends. Maybe they'll feel bad for all the resources I've spent on them and they'll want to do things for me too, and it will turn into a sappy give-fest. I like to think that having done these deeds gives me an upper hand, a person to call on in an odd situation sometime in the future when I least expect it.

I need emotion and variety in my life. I need people to connect with on more than just a superficial level in order to thrive. I need adventure, but I also want a home base that I can always return to and add more things to, some great hideout home with superb themed decorating and resources that everybody can use and everyone feels comfortable in. I need to be held and told to shut up during my silly break-downs. But I also can't ignore these problems.. should I? I tell myself so many things and get wrapped up in so many layers that sometimes I can't see the straight reality in front of me, or tell up from down. I make up fake silly problems that don't matter and convince myself that they do. I either need to learn how to unravel myself in these situations back to a safe plane of existence, or have someone shatter the illusion for me.

Reading all of this makes me feel stupid. I hate seeing myself on paper sometimes. Everything sounds so coherent in my head but the second I type it out, I can see other people reading it and thinking I'm some sort of hypochondriac manic depressive nutjob. Maybe I am those things.. meh. I'm not necessarily feeling down right now, I'm actually at my friend's apartment (The Cave), but I needed some sort of catharsis to get my thoughts out so I'm typing this up now. It's seemingly impossible to communicate myself to other people. At times, my head is a calm oasis of nothing. Other times, it's a roiling mess of conflict. I can't make sense of it because there are so many thoughts at once and so many to-do lists and things that I'll never accomplish and trying to keep track of all of the people in my life and what I should do next and how I feel about that and myself and the world and my progress on saving it and then my disappointment for not being a better humanitarian. But then I think about how people hurt and destroy animals and their planet and how they actually might not deserve saving after all, and then my hopeful and positive thoughts turn to a dark shadow and I dislike people again.

I seem to deal in extremes a lot of the time. Either I'll go all of the way, or none of it. To tell the truth though, I have not spent much time or effort in attempting to find examples in which I don't deal in extremes.. I can be apathetic sometimes. But it mostly feels like my Cancer/Aries opposites throw me back and forth in a whirlwind of dishwater > whiskey > watery > fiery > wet blanket > life of the party > sobbing > raging > dependent > independent > apologetic > offensive > sensitive > obtuse sort of way. Phew.
shadowobsessed: (Default)
anybody want to be my friend?
shadowobsessed: (Default)
Banner thanks to [livejournal.com profile] bubblegummath.



Comment to be added. I don't bite. :]
shadowobsessed: (Default)
I TOTALLY SPENT ALL DAY RESEARCHING INSTEAD OF DOING HOMEWORK AND FOUND A GOLDMINE OF INFORMATION ON METRONOME!! XD )

I should eat dinner.

I walked to the post office today. Woo.

things done:

-Completed three band research-article-things
-Checked the mail
-...went on aim for like half an hour?

also, my cat needs to get 'fixed'.

MY LIFE. :D
shadowobsessed: (Default)
Added more to Kagrra, research.. )

I was kind of upset because I wrote all this before, and then my computer crashed and lost all the information. -_-; ..But it's back! :D
shadowobsessed: (Default)
I added a lot more to the Malice Mizer research XD )


Wow, Sunday came so quickly.

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shadowobsessed

July 2012

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